Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize