I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
