You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
