On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
