I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
