is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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