I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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