checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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