i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
