Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize