Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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