Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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