I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
