we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
