Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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