well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
