just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hippo gnu deer
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
