The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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