coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
