your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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