My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
