Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I am one with the molecules
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
