Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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