Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
