Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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