she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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