New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize