my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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