You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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