Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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