I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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