I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
