He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
