I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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