Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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