he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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