Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
