The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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