if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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