I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
