Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
