Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
