I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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