New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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