she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
soo... how was my night?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
