9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
