Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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