I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
