But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
