Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
