I accidentally burped into my bong.
My balls are so social today.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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