you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
