Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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