if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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